Valentine’s Day has just passed, and we’ve all spent the day showing love to those who matter in our lives. But did we show love to everyone that matters in our lives? As men, we often focus on providing, protecting, and pushing forward, rarely stopping to consider the most important relationship in our lives—the one we have with ourselves. Society has conditioned us to believe that love is something we give to others while ignoring our own emotional needs. But here’s the truth: you can’t pour from an empty cup. Learning to love yourself isn’t selfish; it’s necessary. It’s the foundation for how you love your spouse, your kids, your friends, and anyone else who matters in your life.
If you’ve ever struggled with expressing love, showing affection, or even understanding what your loved ones need, the problem might not be external—it might be an internal struggle with self-acceptance, self-awareness, and self-respect.
This article will help you take a deep dive into understanding yourself so that you can become the kind of man who can communicate effectively, express love confidently, and build meaningful relationships.
Step 1: Understand Yourself First
Before you can love others well, you need to know yourself—your strengths, weaknesses, fears, and needs. Here are some ways to start:
1. Reflect on Your Identity
- What values do you live by?
- What are your strengths and weaknesses?
- What brings you joy and fulfillment?
- What wounds from your past still affect how you see yourself today?
Take time to journal, meditate, or talk with a mentor about these questions. The more you understand yourself, the better you’ll be able to communicate who you are to others.
2. Take Care of Your Mental and Emotional Health
- If you battle self-doubt, depression, or unresolved trauma, work on taking control of it; don’t just give in to it.
- Consider therapy, support groups, or self-development books to improve your mindset.
- Challenge negative self-talk and replace it with truth.
When you value yourself, you won’t depend on external validation. This is an important concept that I think a lot of people in our society miss. It’s so important, let’s say it again: when you value yourself, you won’t depend on external validation. Instead, your relationships will be built on real love, not insecurity.
3. Develop Self-Compassion
- Do you hold yourself to impossible standards?
- Do you beat yourself up over past mistakes?
Learning to forgive yourself is essential. You wouldn’t expect perfection from a close friend—so why expect it from yourself? When you give yourself grace, you’ll naturally extend it to others.
Step 2: Learning to Love Others Through the Five Love Languages
Once you have a solid foundation of self-love, the next step is learning how to express love to others in ways they understand. The five love languages, a concept introduced by Dr. Gary Chapman, provide a powerful framework for this.
1. Words of Affirmation
What it means: Some people feel most loved when they hear encouragement, appreciation, and positive reinforcement.
How to practice:
- Compliment your spouse on how they look, their hard work, or their character.
- Encourage your children with words that build their confidence.
- Thank your friends for their loyalty and support.
What NOT to do: Criticism and sarcasm can be especially painful for someone who values words. Be mindful of your tone and how you communicate.
2. Quality Time
What it means: Some people feel most loved when they have someone’s undivided attention.
How to practice:
- Put your phone down and engage in meaningful conversations.
- Plan regular one-on-one time with your spouse, kids, or close friends.
- Show genuine interest in their hobbies and passions.
What NOT to do: Distracted or rushed time doesn’t count. Being present is key.
3. Acts of Service
What it means: Actions speak louder than words for some people. Doing things that ease their burden is their love language.
How to practice:
- Help with household chores without being asked.
- Take on responsibilities that make life easier for your loved ones.
- Show up when someone needs a hand—whether it’s fixing something, running an errand, or offering support.
What NOT to do: Breaking promises or failing to follow through can hurt someone who values actions over words.
4. Physical Touch
What it means: Physical affection—whether a hug, a pat on the back, or holding hands—communicates love deeply for some people.
How to practice:
- Hug your kids often, even as they grow older.
- Hold your spouse’s hand, put your arm around them, or give a reassuring touch.
- Offer a handshake or a pat on the back to show support to friends.
What NOT to do: Withholding physical touch, especially during emotional moments, can make a loved one feel rejected.
5. Receiving Gifts
What it means: Some people feel most loved when they receive thoughtful, meaningful gifts. It’s not about materialism—it’s about feeling remembered and valued.
How to practice:
- Give small, meaningful gifts that show you were thinking about them.
- Write a heartfelt note or pick up their favorite snack as a surprise.
- Celebrate special occasions with something that reflects their personality and interests.
What NOT to do: Forgetting important dates or giving thoughtless gifts can be hurtful.
Step 3: Putting It All Together
Now that you understand yourself and the five love languages, it’s time to put it into practice. Here’s how:
1. Identify Your Own Love Language
- How do you naturally express love?
- What makes you feel the most appreciated?
Knowing your own love language helps you communicate your needs to others while also being mindful of how they receive love.
2. Learn the Love Languages of Those Close to You
- Ask your spouse, kids, or close friends what makes them feel most loved.
- Observe how they show love to others—it often reveals their own love language.
- Be intentional about speaking their love language, even if it’s different from yours.
3. Communicate Clearly
- Be honest about your emotions and needs.
- Ask questions instead of making assumptions about what your loved ones need.
- Listen actively, and validate their feelings.
4. Be Consistent
Love isn’t a one-time effort; it’s a daily choice. Small, consistent actions build deep and lasting relationships.
Final Thoughts
Learning to love yourself and understanding how to love others isn’t a quick fix—it’s a lifelong journey. But as you become more aware of who you are and how you connect with those around you, your relationships will transform.
You’ll go from being a man who struggles to express love to one who confidently and effectively builds a strong, lasting foundation for your family and friends.
Start today. Learn about yourself, practice self-compassion, and take the time to truly understand the people you love. The effort you put in now will create a legacy of love that lasts for generations.
Stay strong, stay intentional, and keep building the bunker.
What’s Your Love Language?
Drop a comment and let us know—what’s your love language, and how do you try to express love to the important people in your life? Let’s build each other up.